


To the Only Boy I Loved Before

by philester



Category: Dan & phil - Fandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Dan's POV, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 09:20:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15946409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philester/pseuds/philester
Summary: "You started spending more time with her, and more nights at her house. One of these days, I thought, I would die of takotsubo cardiomyopathy, broken heart syndrome. It was inevitable because my heart physically ached every time you looked at her the same way I would look at you. But for some reason, I didn’t die."





	To the Only Boy I Loved Before

It started off as a small crush on a boy online. I thought nothing of it, really. It was never gonna happen anyways. But then you responded to me. And I replied back. And then we became friends. And the warmth in my chest grew a bit more. And when we Skyped for the first time, I looked at you straight through the screen and thought “shit, I’ve fallen for you”.

 

When we met in October, and you hugged me, my heart was beating crazy fast for you. When we filmed that YouTube video, and you tackled me, I thought you could hear how loud my heart was, because even I couldn’t hear my own thoughts when I saw you poking your tongue through your teeth and giggling.

 

When we moved in together, I thought I was fucked. But I didn’t say anything. Surely, a crush of 3 years would go away eventually, right? I thought I couldn’t love you more than I already was, but every day I proved myself wrong.

 

When you started dating that girl, and you asked me what I thought of her, I wanted to tell you “I hate her. Why is she deserving of your love but I’m not?” But she made you giggle as I would, and she touched you the way I couldn’t so instead I told you that “she’s perfect for you”.

 

You started spending more time with her, and more nights at her house. One of these days, I thought, I would die of _takotsubo cardiomyopathy,_ broken heart syndrome. It was inevitable because my heart physically ached every time you looked at her the same way I would look at you. But for some reason, I didn’t die.

 

One day you came to me and asked her if you think you should marry her. Pushing back the tears in my eyes, I said “yes, you both deserve each other”. You hugged me that day after so long, and I wanted to never let go. But I had to, because you loved her. I was your best man of course, which was a curse to me because I didn’t want to see you bound your love to her. But I was there, smiling because I knew you were happy. I shed a tear when you said I do and kissed her, sealing your love to her. I went back home and drank till I couldn’t see your face anymore, until it was all black.

 

When you couldn’t make it to your first child’s birth because you were on a business trip in America, you asked me to be there, helping your wife and calming her down because you knew I would love your child almost as much as you would love him. My arm was red from your wife’s nails digging into me as she pushed with all her might to bring your child into the world. When I saw him for the first time, I cried because he had your eyes.

 

When I saw you again later that year, you asked me why I haven’t gotten married. I told you that I’ve only ever loved one person but that he loves someone else. You didn’t understand. You told me that I didn’t know what love is and that I would know love when I see it. I chuckled sadly and said, “maybe” but I thought to myself, if I didn’t know what true love is, I would have never let you go to be happy with someone else.

 

I adopted my daughter Winnie a few years later, and the void that you left in my heart was full. There was still a missing piece that only you could fill, but I had a reason to wake up every morning again. Your son Sam was excited that he was gonna have a younger cousin sister and said he would love her as much as his Uncle Dan and his father loved each other.

 

I remember when you and your wife got Winnie and Sam matching shirts that said “I’m gonna be a big sister/big brother” and I was genuinely so happy for you both. Sam and Winnie danced until they fell asleep. I took Winnie back to our house and kissed and tucked her in goodnight. I lay in bed, scrolling through my phone and stopping at the picture where Winnie and Sam were kissing your cheek, as you smiled at your wife, full with love. Maybe in another universe it would have been me that you were staring at.

 

Our children all grew up and they had kids of their own, and all 15 of us would come together every Christmas. But then your wife died at the age of 70 and you were sad, but you realized that you had a great life together. That Christmas 15 became 14, and you didn’t want to go back home to an empty place, so I invited you back to mine.

 

It felt like we were in our 20s again, just the two of us. We watched our old YouTube videos as we sipped on whiskey. You slept in my bed for the first time in 50 years, and the missing pieces of my heart that I had thought I lost a long time ago started to find themselves back to my heart.

 

The next morning we woke up and you asked me again why I had never gotten married. I told you the same thing I told you 35 years ago, but this time you understood. You asked me, “so you only ever loved me in the last 50 years?” and I said “every single day.” You confessed that you realized you loved me when you were 50, but that you had built such a strong life with your late wife. You told me that it would be ok if I was mad at you, but I shook my head and told you I understood. You cried and told me how strong I was and then you asked me to marry you. I said yes to the question that I had only dreamed of hearing.

 

We got married the next day in court, and we had our first ever kiss at the age of 71 and 75. Our kids were surprised at first, but then they were happy because we were all “officially” family.

 

It’s been ten years since we got married and I love the way you kiss me on my head every morning and every night. I love the way you hold my hand wherever we go, even if I walk slower than you. I love the way you have a rose delivered to our door every morning and I love the way you hold me as I sleep. I know our time on Earth is coming to an end, but now I know why the universe chose to keep me alive during those years I thought I was going to die of a broken heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this! I originally wasn't going to make it a happy ending, but for the sake of my own heart I had to. 
> 
> It felt good to write after a year! 
> 
> visit me on philester.tumblr.com!


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